Do You Zap With Zorp!?

I’ve always been been somewhat cantankerous—a “lovable curmudgeon”, so to speak. I’ve been wary of teenagers since I was a teenager, and only adopt new technological advances well after they’ve proven themselves invaluable to society (i.e., they let you acquire pizza without interacting with a single human being).

In my youth, this was something that endeared me to others. “That Kevin,” onlookers would say, “He’s yelling at his computer again! What an adorable twenty-something!” Or perhaps I was adorable for other reasons—grousing about the shifting width of pant legs, say, or the rising price of open-faced sandwiches.

But now I find myself in the inevitable situation where my peculiarities have become age-appropriate. No one finds it adorable when I peer over the rims of my glasses. That’s what old men do. Nor is it ironically charming when I call people “kids”, don an afghan, or injure my back. Now I’m just being… normal.

Now, my natural impulse would be to reclaim my adorableness by applying the same theory, but in reverse. Adopt youthful behaviors and affectations—drink energy drinks, ride scooters, join the army, etc. But all of these things sound terrible to me. So I have decided instead to simply modify my original plan, nudging the bar ahead a few decades and adopting the affectations of a 160-year old man. But since no human lives that long I must seek out the next best thing— the Galápagos giant tortoise.

Please send all chocolates, perfume, and saucy letters to my new address: Kevin Cornell, c/o Philadelphia Zoo, 3400 W Girard Ave, Philadelphia, PA 19104. No flowers, please—I might mistake them for lettuce.