The Side Gig

I don’t talk about my workplace much in this diary, as its main purpose is to aggregate my extensive knowledge of butter churns, but the last few months have been so eventful, I feel I need to record the details here, for future Kevin Cornells.

Now, as you might already know, I work alone, except for a single employee, Mojo. Here’s a portrait he commissioned me to make:

I call it a commission, but in actuality he didn’t “pay me” so much as “agree to stop adding nutmeg to the coffee”. He was using so much I was experiencing daily hallucinations, and every now and then, tachycardia.

Other than that, it’s always been a vibrant and healthy working dynamic, until recent events:

In all my many years as an aspiring—some might even say, adequate— businessman, I’ve measured myself by one single metric: Am I performing better than a sock monkey? The answer, of course, was always yes—and that’s what’s fueled my fire. Now I’ve had to rethink this approach. Most of his products are, as he puts it, a “hot ticket”:

So, in this modern world with its growing tariffs and laser-focus on having A.I. do all the fun tasks we used to reserve for humans, I’ve had no choice but to start working for Mojo:

I have to admit—its been frustrating. Beyond my ethical concerns about some of our products, Mojo is not beyond stealing ideas to stay ahead of the curve:

See, that was MY IDEA, based on a workplace accident I experienced, and was definitely NOT OKAY after. And—if I do say so myself—my business helmet has, like, ten times more padding than the MojoCorp Business Helmet. Which, unfortunately, is probably why there’s been so many production delays… but I refuse to lose hope! He might beat me to market, but I think people are just… I think they just want a business helmet that can guarantee the MOST workplace safety, at the best price point—and at the end of the day, that’s the Cornell Industries Head & Voicebox Defense Protocol.

So, keep your eye out for that.

I’ll have a lot more time to work on it, I think. Today was super eventful: